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To Love Someone, Do You Really Need to Love Yourself First?
Conventional wisdom about love and relationships can be more myth than reality.
It’s become commonplace to proclaim that truly loving another depends on first loving yourself. But just how warranted is this maxim? Is it supported by science or academic research? Or is it little more than folk wisdom—or maybe, pseudo-wisdom? I’ve sought to track down any authoritative studies on this so-intriguing topic . . . and come up with nothing.
I could be wrong here, but it’s always felt to me like one of those aphorisms that’s accepted as valid primarily because it sounds valid. And the truism does exude a tone of wise, loving self-compassion. It seems completely reasonable that we can’t really know love until we experience it from within—for ourselves. But might this all somehow be begging the question?
Given my professional role as a psychologist for the past 30+ years, I’ve come, empirically, to a rather different conclusion about self-love. To me, it’s extremely unlikely that without the ability to love oneself a person can ever be happy. That is, what’s necessary and sufficient—not for loving another but for a state of inner contentment and well-being—is healthy self-love and acceptance. For it only makes sense that if you’re not on very good terms with yourself, you’re not going to be happy with life generally.
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